19 Smarter Things Thanos Could Have Done (No Spoilers)

In Avengers: Infinity Wars, the main villain, Thanos, sets out to solve suffering caused by overpopulation. For years, he has been roaming the galaxy with an army, killing off a random 50% of all life on any given planet. But now, he wants to make the job cleaner by obtaining the infinity stones (which will basically make him god) and replacing his warmongering with a simple snap of the fingers.

But Thanos does not seem to realize that when you are literally god, there are smarter ways to prevent overpopulation than wiping out half of a planet’s population. Here are just some that I could come up with:

 

  1. Shrink every species to half of its current size.
  2. Instead of killing indiscriminately, kill morally corrupt individuals (note: Thanos will need to choose between deontology and utilitarianism).
  3. Better yet: just vaporize all the rapists.
  4. The earth currently has enough food to feed everyone on the planet but doesn’t allocate it efficiently and wastes much of it. Use the Space and Time Stones to transport the food to people in need. If needed, vaporize individuals guilty of wasting resources.
  5. Make every species capable of photosynthesis: sunlight holds far more energy than heterotrophs can obtain per unit of mass.
  6. Sterilize parents after the first child.
  7. Move the planets/stars in the universe so that all planets are an optimal distance from a star, allowing for the formation of an atmosphere and the elements needed to sustain life, instead of just leaving 99.9% of the known universe in a state that doesn’t support life.
  8. Genetically modify food to be more productive/efficient. That, or make productive/high-energy food tastier.
  9. Pair up the human race/any race with another race capable of eating their waste products (for instance, putting creatures who only need plastic to survive on earth).
  10. Impose a standardized age limit on each species, so that every individual can still live a long and fulfilling life and know exactly when death is coming.
  11. Outlaw energy-wasting activities/things such as household pets and hummers. Make it mandatory that leftovers at restaurants be taken home.
  12. Genetically modify all species to reduce the time window in which they are fertile. Maybe they can only reproduce when they are 30 – 32 years old.
  13. Create android bodies capable of being programmed with a living being’s conscience so that everything in the universe can operate on solar power or the Power Stone (one of the Infinity Stones).
  14. Turn everyone into Frost Giants, because I’ve seen Jotunheim in the Thor movies and they obviously don’t need to grow crops. I don’t know what Loki’s kin eat, but whatever it is, I want some.
  15. Make half of every species gay.
  16. Create new STDs: only individuals who have unprotected sex risk incurring them.
  17. Just require sex education in all schools and provide free birth control to everyone. This will also motivate Thanos to provide a free and quality education to all children, from young girls in Pakistan to charter schools in the U.S. The higher education rate will statistically also lead to lower birth rates.
  18. Make babies twice as annoying and half as cute so no one wants to have them.
  19. At the very least, instead of evaporating half the population into ash, turn them into crop plants or burgers or something. Soylent Green and Modest Proposal had their problems, but it was better than this.

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